I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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