You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You ruined the universe
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize