Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
if only i could text you this smell
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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