i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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