i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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