I smell stomach acid.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
