the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
