Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
