i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
