My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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