Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
