You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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