Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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