just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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