the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
