There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
