I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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