wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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