Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
