I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize