wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
