I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Randomize
