Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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