what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
