I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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