i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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