I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
