I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
