I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
