I wish I could punch you in the face.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
True college students do jello shots in the library
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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