Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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