Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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