My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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