I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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