It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
