Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize