hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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