you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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