We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
