she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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