It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
