Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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