I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
