you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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