You really coming over, don't trick.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
