I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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