he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
