im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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