okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
