apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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