I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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