I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You are a genius and a whore.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
